Keepingsane

It is a busy week for me this week, as I recover from stress and get my life back onto the track it needs to be. Going on the walks where I talk to myself has been of huge benefit, even though I look like an idiot when doing it, and this is something I am committed to continue doing when I finally return to work. How I am going to do it is another matter, I think I will have to get p a 5am each morning.

Today, I will be doing alot of reconnecting with friends who I haven't seen for far too long. I am also going to spend time this week firing off my CV to prospective emplyees, I really can't stand my job these days and need to get out for my own sanity.

I have also struck a deal with God, who I hadn't spoken to for about 20 years - if he could get me a dream job, I promise to volunteer as much time as I can to local voluntary work. I have an interview with a charity on Wednesday, hopefully the same day as a job interview. Fingers crossed!

I also had a proper blowout on Saturday night, the first in an entire year, and I do feel the better for it. We were up til 6am on Saturday, talking through the night and becoming more and more slurred with it. Felt dreadful on Sunday, but after 13 hours sleep last night I am feeling right as rain again. I definitely think there is a value to leeting your hair down occassionally, but it is one I have sorely missed.

When I was really stressed out about two weeks ago, I woke up one morning and for the first time in 20 years I prayed to God.

I don't really believe in the convention of God- I absolutely do believe that there are higher forces than our own, but the way it is expressed- and, more specifically, executed- is not for me, which is why I haven't been in touch with God for a while. I prayed to him to forgive me for not getting in touch, for being so selfish that I haven't really been considering anything other than myself and my problems recently. I told him I was desperately unhappy at work and asked for his help, and in return I would contribute more meaningfully to the world.

On that same day, I got two calls from recruitment consultants, both with fantastic roles. I am at the second interview stage with one of them that is a truly remarkable opportunity. I am so grateful to God for giving me those opportunities, at the right time when for the first time in my life I was truly unhappy.

And in return, I am going to volunteer my time to the Hastings Trust, so that I can help in a small way to the regeneration of a once-magnificent town that has has suffered years of mismanagement and disrepair. I am setting up a meeting on Monday to talk about how I can add value. I really want to help shape the economic development of the town, so fingers crossed there will be something I can really help on.

But it has confirmed to me that faith is extraordinarily powerful, and one that I am realizing I have sorely missed in my life.

It is Friday, the sun is shining generously and it is time to get myself better.

Some years ago I was introduced to some CDs of Tony Robbins, a self-professed 'Life Coach' who has some really interesting techniques in improving quality of life, and ultimately getting a plan together to achieve what you want in life.

The first thing he teaches is that the we have to take for ourselves, in spite of all of the crazy demands that are thrown our way and the strains that come with it. Having the time to yourself- to remember what you love, what you think, and what you want- is fundamentally important to getting more out of yourself. However, you have to get into the right state, so he recommends preceding those conversations with 'breath walking'- four short inhalations followed by four short exhalations. This stimulates the metabolism and gets you into the right mindset.

The next 10 minutes is spending giving thanks for what I appreciate in life - begin with being grateful for my life - my body, my mind, my wealth, my partner, family, friends. The next fifteen is spent figuring out what I want from life, and what specific steps I need to take that day in order to achieve it.

Finally, and this makes me feel really silly- five minutes of 'incantations', i.e. statements you say over again and out loud that really resonate inside yourself the more you say it. My incantations are to command myself to be happier, to get more focused and to listen to what my subconscious has to say. I say it over and over again and I have to admit, it does work, even though I usually feel quite dorky...

Anyway, enough of typing, I need to get out and do it! I will also achieve lots of small things today- spending time with my partner, discovering new things, chatting with friends and learning new skills through books I have purchased.

Onwards and upwards!

So that is the thing that I am going to do from hereon.

Saturday night was a weird and frankly disturbing experience, but one I know I will look back on and appreciate because I know that I have been on the wrong track for some time.

I haven't had a drink for 9 months or so, and decided, after much debate with myself, that I would go out and have some alcohol-induced fun, as a means of ready release from the stress I have been under, and frankly, the depression of being in a job that I have grown to despise.

I had alot of fun, we finished at about 2.30 and went home, all was well. But the alcohol seemed to have triggered something in my mind, that released alot of distress I was feeling over the course of the previous three months. Because at 4.30 in the morning, I felt a powerful bolt of panic hit me in the head, as if I had been punched in my mind. 100 things about work started racing through my mind, but in the back of it- my conscious mind was wondering what was going on. I tried to calm myself down by focusing on a calming image- specifically, a beach I remembered at Koh Samui- which calmed my conscious mind down, but every time it did, I kept drifting off, only to be woken up by this kind of screaming voice in my head.

It shook me heavily, and really knocked me- I woke up feeling shaky and detached from what was going on the next day. In fact, I had to walk around the streets discretely asking myself what thee hell was going on. So many things has raced through my mind it was difficult to lock on what the cause was. I talked for a long time, but to make matters worse I had a presentation to write. Whenever I thought of work, my mind filled with dread, almost fear. All of the pressure that was associated with it came flooding back. I began to conclude that I was stressed or depressed. I spent the weekend wandering around London, talking to myself and trying to figure out what was going on.

I concluded that it was the pressure at work. With the new boss setting unrealistic goals, piling on pressure without any regard for my priorities, without really ccaring about anyone but herself, and her eagerness to score 'big wins' in her new role, coupled with the fact that I haven't really learnt to say no, meant that my subconscious mind had basically just shouted at me- NO MORE.

Yet I felt embarrassed about it. I had always sneered at people who claimed to be stressed- I always saw stress as a good thing. I am not the kind of person who gets ill- I am the guy who tells jokes, goofs around, and is confident with people. I don't get stressed! But admitting it is the hardest part, and admitting that it is a legitimate complaint- and being humble about it enough to admit it to myself- has been difficult. It is such an ethereal problem, that affects the mind in such nuanced ways, that to isolate the causes inevitably takes time.

I went to the doctor on Tuesday, and talked her through what was going on in my head. she knew exactly how I felt, and when she started talking to me about it I ended up crying, because it was good to know that it was legitimate, that it is something that other people can recognize. Even with your partner it is difficult to communicate how I felt, because I don't know how I feel about it myself. sometimes I am embarrassed by it, sometimes I understand it, so having someone who can relate to it and confidently communicate how I felt was enormously appreciating.

Since then, I have spent time walking, getting to know what my mind is trying to tell me, and listening to myself. This has been an opportunity to understand why this has happened, and to put it right. I am beginning to understand that my life is completely out of balance- working all hours, having no fun, not seeing friends and family, spending too much time by myself- that this happened because I forgot that my work is just a poxy job. That is all it is. And i have made work far too important.

But work doesn't love you back. rarely can you have a real belly laugh at work. And this is the issue- work should be fun, but regardless of how fun it is, there are far more dimensions to life that just sitting at a desk, firing emails. And this is what I have focused on- as part of my recovery, getting in touch with friends, switching off and enjoying what life has to offer. I have become detached from the world, disconnected, not contributing in meaningful ways that add value, in the smallest ways, to the broader universe.

I have also made it a top priority to leave my work, it has made me desperately unhappy and I am hopeful that I will never have to return. at the same time, I am not going to make the situation worse by jumping into a role with my eyes shut- the important thing is that, in my new role, to ensure that I learn to say no and manage accordingly.

but I also need to recover, and have joined several groups online, as well as buying self-help tapes to help me understand myself better, to listen to myself better. And personal development is of the utmost importance to me: not just in work but in the pursuits of my interests, and my spirituality.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life, an opportunity to replenish and revive. wiosh me luck!

and I also appreciate the value of being able to document this, writing it out is of enormous importance. I will be updating this on a more regular basis as I figure out how to learn about myself and re-connect with the world.

Although I have had my moments, I had until this point never been truly unhappy wherever I worked. I always had disagreements, but largely I have been happy with my role, my colleagues and myself. However, that has changed considerably in the last 11 weeks and it is getting to the stage that I sometimes feel like feigning illness to avoid going to work.

Whether I like it or not, a job is fundamentally important to one's wellbeing, because so much time is being spent in it. And although there are many different types of jobs out there, I believe a good working envronment is built on some fundamental principles

* The role and the tasks that you need to accomplish are broadly defined, but in a manner that allows the details of their accomplishment to be defined by the individual

* That there is a relative sense of autonomy in the accomplishment of these goals, and that the achievement of the goals is recognized and rewarded;

* That you appreciate and respect your colleagues, and vice versa, hopefully having some fun along the way

When you join a company, it is based the current view of that company- its success, its people and so on. And as with all things in life, companies change rapidly, and in doing so the dynamic of the company can also change. Departments change, people leave, people arrive, and when the pack is shuffled the company that you bought into suddenly feels different- is different.

Until recently, largely because my line manager was absent for weeks at a time, I just got on with the job and was free to make those decisions, without much scrutiny. And I guess that autonomy spoilt me, I got accustomed to making big decisions. The department has always had stress, but it also had camaraderie, and we had fun doing it but we all pulled together when it was necessary to do so.

11 weeks ago, a new Head of Department joined, and she has managed to undermine morale and make people feel unhappy. Her key strength is upwards management, i.e. she is an expert at managing her boss, and that is her core skill. She will not anyone in the department now communicate upwards, and she controls everything. As good as she is upwards, she is a terrible downward manager, often making decisions impusively without consulting the team, she has a selective memory in what she communicates.

Her manner is also aggressive, and her choice of words are dispiriting. I do not like being in the same room as her as a result, and she will not communicate with me for days- and then all of a sudden I get hit with 30 emails, all to be done yesterday. It means my work is constantly reactive and I never accomplish the things I had set out to do. The tasks I do get could be undertaken by a zoo monkey.

I am now looking for a new job, which is a shame but the only way to get back on track is to have the thrill of a new challenge and take it from there.

I have been going to the gym quite a bit over the last three months to keep myself in shape.

The main reason was because I was beginning to get a bit of a paunch- something I had always dreaded because I have always been active. However, in my current job, my boss literally went AWOL for months, meaning I would have to work long hours, and I would always find a reason to work through lunch. and because we had decided to move to the coast, working out before work was not an option. So it led to the inevitable- I started gaining weught, around the lower stomach- and all of this was not helped by the onsite canteen, which nukes the nutrients out of the food, and most of the hot food is so greasy it packed with fat.

added to that, the stress meant I would always find a reason to have a little bit more to eat than I should. It always the little things- perhaps a roll with butter, a garlic bread. And finally, the vending machine in the office only sells crap- chocolate, crisps, fizzy drinks packed with sugar. All of it, slowly, beings to take its toll.

Then came one of those 'moments' - the ones that force you to sit up, take notice and do something about your life. For me, it was a picture of me on holiday, sitting on a beautiful beach on Koh samui, playing with a crazy dog who loved chasing splash from the sea. I have iPhoto on my computer at home, so I zoomed in to look at the detail of the picture, and was horrified to see my gut. admittedly I was hunched over, so it made it look worse than it was, but it was because of that I freaked out. that photo still motivates me- when I don't feel like getting moving, I visualize that image and promise myself I would never return back to that sorry state!

Being on holiday I always find makes me relax and think about the things I am missing in my life, so I made a promise to myself that I needed to get back to being fit and healthy. So as soon as I got back, I joined the nearest gym, and promised myself that I would make my lunchtome sacred- i.e. no event or urge to work woulod get in the way. It is my time for me, and one that I need to do in order to deal with the stresses and strains thrown at me on a daily basis.

Going to the gym was quite scary, because the first thing they did was evaluate me- blood pressure was fine, but I had gained 9 pounds in six months. The creepy thing about it is that it is invisible- you just don't notice it until one of those 'uh-oh' moments.

I didn't really start slowly, I just jumped right in. I am naturally athletic, so I have high standards when it comes to working out. So after the first couple of times, the days after of which I couldn't really move I was so stiff, I got into the swing of it. I kept myself motivated with the image of that photo, but also I wanted to feel more confident in myself, feel empowered with knowing that I was looking after my body.

So I now go to the gym virtually every day, although the last two weeks I have been taking it easy because my knee began to hurt from running too much. What is weird now though is that because I do it every day, I feel really grumpy on days I don't go- it is as if I need to exercise now- to get out the tension and the frustration is one of the key benefits for me, beyond just losing body fat.

I got rid of the 9 pounds of bosy fat in a month, but I still have a layer of fat around the stomach I was to get rid of, so I am really going to go for it in the next month. I am meeting up with estranged family in a month's time, and I am going to use this for drive to ensure I lose c.4% more body fat so I look great.

It is certainly not going to be easy, and of course, sometimes it would be nice not to do it- but once you are into it, it becomes addictive, so the extent that I need it so deal with the daily strains. In many ways, the hardest thing is not the exercise- it is the food!

More on that later, dinner time now...

I am faced with a couple of choices in the near future, none of which are easy but they are necessary to keep my career progressing to the level I need it to.

First, I need to get back to education. I am pretty scared of going back, largely because I didn't have the concentration the last time round to sit still and learn. I really didn't enjoy school or university because I couldn't focus on one thing at a time, and I just didn't absorb the material.

However, I got decent A levels, but poor university results. I spend the majority of my time working to make money, I found out that I was quite good at that and because I have so much energy, I made alot of money. This is what interested me.

So when leaving University, I did what any ambitious person with poor grades probably did- I lied through my teeth about my degree. Because the position was so low-grade, the cost of running a check would have been prohibitive, and so I got in without a hitch. Since then, my experience has driven me up the ladder, so academic achievement hasn't really featured in anything I have susbsequently done.

For 5 years, that was enough- working long hours and getting an edge over peers by working incredibly hard, going great work and delivering on promises. However, two things have happened since:

* the lack of academic achievement gnaws at me- I know I could have done miles better in my degree, and I want to prove that to myself and;

* Once you get to a certain level in career, working hard and being charismatic don't create that much of an edge because everyone works hard etc.

I have looking at degrees to take in September, but I am concerned about my lack of attentiveness years ago, plus I tried taking a smaller course about years ago and didn't stick it out because I got bored with it.

Obviously this is going to be a challenge, but one I have to meet. It has been put off for too long...bring it on.

Congratulations to Jade Goody, who has sunk celebrity exposure to depths that scrapes the very bottom of decency- to the extent that it drills through the wood, to see decency trickle out of the gaping hole.

In short- Jade Goody has decided that she would use her cancer to try and get the public on her side. Let's just check the facts:

* She knew that she was being tested for it long before she went into thr Indian House:
* The Indian House gives her maximum publicity because of the issues around Shilpa Shetty- the very source of her deserved fall from grace;
* The results of her cancer were DESIGNED to manipulate the public consciousness. It ensured that it capitalized on the power of association- by associating cancer [which generates public sympathy] with the Indian House [associated with her notoriety] it neutralizes the negativity.

I am shocked that she would stoop so low - but it shows you what an aggressive, vain and disgusting animal that a certain level of celebrity has become, one that people need to take care over because these people influence your children.

there is NO WAY that her publicists would have allowed the results of the test to be read on TV- they ABSOLUTELY knew what the impact of this announcement would be, although they obviously didn't know what the outcome would be: the tests were done long before she went in the house, they knew they existed, and the gamble of the outcome was played out on TV.

The thing is - no one in the media will challenge it because it involves cancer - and out emotions are manipulated so Jade Goody can TAKE OUR MONEY by looking glassy-eyed on magazines, doing press junkets and so on. She is following Jordan's model- she is reinventing herself through tragedy, so she can resume her career.

She is a DISGRACE - but a perfect illustration of what a twisted society we have become, one consumed in self-interest and self-promotion, above all ethics, abouve all morals, above all values.

And when your child asks to smell like her, remember what you are buying into - the smell of a vacuous generation who are happy to manipulate you to fulfil their own ambitions. You emotions are currency, and your children are fair game.

The 'Credit Crunch' angers me, because the system has taken our money, gambled with it, and lost- and as a result it is us that have to bail them out because the treasury believe the disease is less painful than the cure. And what is worse- virtually no one has lost their jobs: the same people who gambled our deposits, pensions, savings etc. are still sitting in their ivory towers, draped in lavish lifestyles that have come regardless of the fact they have de-stabilized the entire western world.

I am sure everyone knows this, but the financial system is extraordinarily greedy. It hires the best brains, and the most talented mathematicians to conceive new financial vehicles from which to derive more profit. To this end, these mathematicians devised 'gearing' of high-risk debt, through complex restructuring, so that they could then be sold on the debt market as 'AAA' debt- debt that is the least risky to buy. However, the debt that was contained within it often included the poor - the kind of people of earned $16k a year but were given a $300k mortgage- who had no hope in hell of repaying that debt. But the system's fail-safes- the credit-scoring of debt by people such as Moody's- was too slow to adapt to the new vehicles that had been conceived by the banks.

Let us be clear- all of the banks [with very few exceptions] were in on this scam. They wilfully lent the money to people who were not smart, were mis-sold the mortgages by greddy brokers who got a commission on sale. Even those brokers who knew it was wrong did nothing about it, because they knew these customers would just go across the street to a competitor- hell, why EVEN BOTHER trying to intervene when you might lose out on some cash?

And this is the rotting, stinking heart of the American/Capitalist Dream- it all comes down to getting rich, with the ends justifying the means. As long as you look after yourself, everything else is expendable. During the last 5 years, fat cats have literally sucked billions out of the system to line their own pockets, and got out whilst the going was good. But then the cracks began to appear, and senior executives realised they were holding bonds that were bad- they owned debt that was owed by hicks, the underclass- and the game was up.

The system has let us all down- not only can we now not get mortgages, which means that the economic system declines across the board [no new house= no new furnishings, no new cars, electricals, broadband, TV etc] but the taxpayer has had to bail out the very companies who got us into this mess. Small business can't expand because their are no loans, and people cannot Our taxes - that I personally work 70 hours a week to pay- have propped up Northern Rock, which is sucking £3bn a quarter out of the treasury- in spite of 2.2k employees losing their jobs and in spite of the fact that the elderly can't afford their electricity.

It is clear that capitalism is a destructive force, that has served to only make a handful of people extremely rich, at the expense of those who are less smart, less driven, less lucky. And what is worse, we have all contributed to it invisibly, and it has come home to roost- our pensions are gambled with; our taxes have been bet on a quick recovery that won't come and our livlihoods have been put on the line. But has anyone paid for this? No: the government dithers as time goes on, paralysed by having to make tough decisions [thanks Labour] opn a system that funds it, a system that shrugs its shoulders and closes rank- and a toothless press that meekly follows the orders of the bosses who own the same system that it should be exposing as being broken and flawed.

It is a disgrace that capitalism has eaten itself, that NOT ONE institution stood up to challenge it. and that we are all staring into the abyss.

The past seven months of sobriety have been worrying as they have made me look deep inside myself and I have realised that the things that I have been driven by so far in life are not the values that are going to sustain my happiness. Let me explain.

For the last seven years, I have been extremely materialistic, associating financial abundance with happiness. For the first six years, it mattered because I didn't have any money- and when you are in London, you are literally surrounded by those with financial abundance, so I got hooked on it. I wanted a nice house, a nice car etc. etc. and my parents [who I don't talk to any more] always felt that I wasn't achieving because I wasn't earning the kind of money they expected me to be making. In short, I began to see making money as a means of acceptance. But whilst the chase was fun, I hate the catch.

Now I have got to the point where I can save c.£600 a month or do whatever I want with it- and I am depressed! I don't need to buy anything and I don't want to buy anything. I am not driven by money at all, and I am deeply unhappy because of it- I have had to sacrifice alot of personal time for the pursuit of money, and as a result I am not rich in spirit- it has made me boring, missing out on time with friends, learning opportunities and so on. In short, it has made me unhappy.

What is worse- capitalism itself has now proven not to work. The credit crunch lays bare the fact that capitalism is successful in making the unscrupulous rich: capitalism works for those who have no regard for the customers whose money and future they invest in, sucking money out of the system to gamble high-stakes and to line their pockets with more money. Buy how much money is enough- and when should society determine that when these people are wearing £50k watches, that enough is enough and they have a responsibility more than most to improve society?

During that same period, I also lost my sense of spirituality- I never believed in the biblical God, but I always believed in a higher force. But because I have focused so intently other things I now feel disconnected, I feel I have lost that connection with the world, I feel my values have been warped to the extent I sometime find it difficult to recognize myself. And this had led me to feel increasingly demotivated.

I have to change my life, by taking small, steady steps, towards reclaiming what I believe in: that we are here for good, not for selfishness. I am here to help people, not constantly take from them and 'acquire' them for companies. I want to love again, and feel connected to humanity, and I want to find beauty again in the smallest of things- like a thank you. I have to embark on this for myself, as otherwise I will be lost to the gloom and all I have to offer the world will be lost with it. There is so much more to life than what I currently feel- I know it, and I want to cherish it again.

So, first things first. I have bought a self-help CD, that will help me get back on track, and I am going to develop new routines that I will so I can bring new routines into my life.