The past seven months of sobriety have been worrying as they have made me look deep inside myself and I have realised that the things that I have been driven by so far in life are not the values that are going to sustain my happiness. Let me explain.

For the last seven years, I have been extremely materialistic, associating financial abundance with happiness. For the first six years, it mattered because I didn't have any money- and when you are in London, you are literally surrounded by those with financial abundance, so I got hooked on it. I wanted a nice house, a nice car etc. etc. and my parents [who I don't talk to any more] always felt that I wasn't achieving because I wasn't earning the kind of money they expected me to be making. In short, I began to see making money as a means of acceptance. But whilst the chase was fun, I hate the catch.

Now I have got to the point where I can save c.£600 a month or do whatever I want with it- and I am depressed! I don't need to buy anything and I don't want to buy anything. I am not driven by money at all, and I am deeply unhappy because of it- I have had to sacrifice alot of personal time for the pursuit of money, and as a result I am not rich in spirit- it has made me boring, missing out on time with friends, learning opportunities and so on. In short, it has made me unhappy.

What is worse- capitalism itself has now proven not to work. The credit crunch lays bare the fact that capitalism is successful in making the unscrupulous rich: capitalism works for those who have no regard for the customers whose money and future they invest in, sucking money out of the system to gamble high-stakes and to line their pockets with more money. Buy how much money is enough- and when should society determine that when these people are wearing £50k watches, that enough is enough and they have a responsibility more than most to improve society?

During that same period, I also lost my sense of spirituality- I never believed in the biblical God, but I always believed in a higher force. But because I have focused so intently other things I now feel disconnected, I feel I have lost that connection with the world, I feel my values have been warped to the extent I sometime find it difficult to recognize myself. And this had led me to feel increasingly demotivated.

I have to change my life, by taking small, steady steps, towards reclaiming what I believe in: that we are here for good, not for selfishness. I am here to help people, not constantly take from them and 'acquire' them for companies. I want to love again, and feel connected to humanity, and I want to find beauty again in the smallest of things- like a thank you. I have to embark on this for myself, as otherwise I will be lost to the gloom and all I have to offer the world will be lost with it. There is so much more to life than what I currently feel- I know it, and I want to cherish it again.

So, first things first. I have bought a self-help CD, that will help me get back on track, and I am going to develop new routines that I will so I can bring new routines into my life.