Saturday night was a weird and frankly disturbing experience, but one I know I will look back on and appreciate because I know that I have been on the wrong track for some time.

I haven't had a drink for 9 months or so, and decided, after much debate with myself, that I would go out and have some alcohol-induced fun, as a means of ready release from the stress I have been under, and frankly, the depression of being in a job that I have grown to despise.

I had alot of fun, we finished at about 2.30 and went home, all was well. But the alcohol seemed to have triggered something in my mind, that released alot of distress I was feeling over the course of the previous three months. Because at 4.30 in the morning, I felt a powerful bolt of panic hit me in the head, as if I had been punched in my mind. 100 things about work started racing through my mind, but in the back of it- my conscious mind was wondering what was going on. I tried to calm myself down by focusing on a calming image- specifically, a beach I remembered at Koh Samui- which calmed my conscious mind down, but every time it did, I kept drifting off, only to be woken up by this kind of screaming voice in my head.

It shook me heavily, and really knocked me- I woke up feeling shaky and detached from what was going on the next day. In fact, I had to walk around the streets discretely asking myself what thee hell was going on. So many things has raced through my mind it was difficult to lock on what the cause was. I talked for a long time, but to make matters worse I had a presentation to write. Whenever I thought of work, my mind filled with dread, almost fear. All of the pressure that was associated with it came flooding back. I began to conclude that I was stressed or depressed. I spent the weekend wandering around London, talking to myself and trying to figure out what was going on.

I concluded that it was the pressure at work. With the new boss setting unrealistic goals, piling on pressure without any regard for my priorities, without really ccaring about anyone but herself, and her eagerness to score 'big wins' in her new role, coupled with the fact that I haven't really learnt to say no, meant that my subconscious mind had basically just shouted at me- NO MORE.

Yet I felt embarrassed about it. I had always sneered at people who claimed to be stressed- I always saw stress as a good thing. I am not the kind of person who gets ill- I am the guy who tells jokes, goofs around, and is confident with people. I don't get stressed! But admitting it is the hardest part, and admitting that it is a legitimate complaint- and being humble about it enough to admit it to myself- has been difficult. It is such an ethereal problem, that affects the mind in such nuanced ways, that to isolate the causes inevitably takes time.

I went to the doctor on Tuesday, and talked her through what was going on in my head. she knew exactly how I felt, and when she started talking to me about it I ended up crying, because it was good to know that it was legitimate, that it is something that other people can recognize. Even with your partner it is difficult to communicate how I felt, because I don't know how I feel about it myself. sometimes I am embarrassed by it, sometimes I understand it, so having someone who can relate to it and confidently communicate how I felt was enormously appreciating.

Since then, I have spent time walking, getting to know what my mind is trying to tell me, and listening to myself. This has been an opportunity to understand why this has happened, and to put it right. I am beginning to understand that my life is completely out of balance- working all hours, having no fun, not seeing friends and family, spending too much time by myself- that this happened because I forgot that my work is just a poxy job. That is all it is. And i have made work far too important.

But work doesn't love you back. rarely can you have a real belly laugh at work. And this is the issue- work should be fun, but regardless of how fun it is, there are far more dimensions to life that just sitting at a desk, firing emails. And this is what I have focused on- as part of my recovery, getting in touch with friends, switching off and enjoying what life has to offer. I have become detached from the world, disconnected, not contributing in meaningful ways that add value, in the smallest ways, to the broader universe.

I have also made it a top priority to leave my work, it has made me desperately unhappy and I am hopeful that I will never have to return. at the same time, I am not going to make the situation worse by jumping into a role with my eyes shut- the important thing is that, in my new role, to ensure that I learn to say no and manage accordingly.

but I also need to recover, and have joined several groups online, as well as buying self-help tapes to help me understand myself better, to listen to myself better. And personal development is of the utmost importance to me: not just in work but in the pursuits of my interests, and my spirituality.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life, an opportunity to replenish and revive. wiosh me luck!

and I also appreciate the value of being able to document this, writing it out is of enormous importance. I will be updating this on a more regular basis as I figure out how to learn about myself and re-connect with the world.