http://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/en-EUMokoFeed10http://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/03/ad743eb76b85a1a28d29fd911c5a84_160x200.jpghttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/10/20/getting-back-on-track-4900431/tag:mindjouney.blog.co.uk,2008-10-20:/2008/10/20/getting-back-on-track-4900431/Mon, 20 Oct 2008 12:28:27 +0200<p>It is a busy week for me this week, as I recover from stress and get my life back onto the track it needs to be. Going on the walks where I talk to myself has been of huge benefit, even though I look like an idiot when doing it, and this is something I am committed to continue doing when I finally return to work. How I am going to do it is another matter, I think I will have to get p a 5am each morning.</p> <p>Today, I will be doing alot of reconnecting with friends who I haven't seen for far too long. I am also going to spend time this week firing off my CV to prospective emplyees, I really can't stand my job these days and need to get out for my own sanity.</p> <p>I have also struck a deal with God, who I hadn't spoken to for about 20 years - if he could get me a dream job, I promise to volunteer as much time as I can to local voluntary work. I have an interview with a charity on Wednesday, hopefully the same day as a job interview. Fingers crossed!</p> <p>I also had a proper blowout on Saturday night, the first in an entire year, and I do feel the better for it. We were up til 6am on Saturday, talking through the night and becoming more and more slurred with it. Felt dreadful on Sunday, but after 13 hours sleep last night I am feeling right as rain again. I definitely think there is a value to leeting your hair down occassionally, but it is one I have sorely missed.</p> <p> </p> <p> </p><p> <small> <a href="http://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/10/20/getting-back-on-track-4900431/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>job-huntingmondayhappyjobsfriendsalcohollifefunhttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/10/20/getting-back-on-track-4900431/#commentshttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/10/18/conversations-withgod-4890175/tag:mindjouney.blog.co.uk,2008-10-18:/2008/10/18/conversations-withgod-4890175/Sat, 18 Oct 2008 10:55:38 +0200 <p>When I was really stressed out about two weeks ago, I woke up one morning and for the first time in 20 years I prayed to God. </p> <p>I don't really believe in the convention of God- I absolutely do believe that there are higher forces than our own, but the way it is expressed- and, more specifically, executed- is not for me, which is why I haven't been in touch with God for a while. I prayed to him to forgive me for not getting in touch, for being so selfish that I haven't really been considering anything other than myself and my problems recently. I told him I was desperately unhappy at work and asked for his help, and in return I would contribute more meaningfully to the world.</p> <p>On that same day, I got two calls from recruitment consultants, both with fantastic roles. I am at the second interview stage with one of them that is a truly remarkable opportunity. I am so grateful to God for giving me those opportunities, at the right time when for the first time in my life I was truly unhappy.</p> <p>And in return, I am going to volunteer my time to the Hastings Trust, so that I can help in a small way to the regeneration of a once-magnificent town that has has suffered years of mismanagement and disrepair. I am setting up a meeting on Monday to talk about how I can add value. I really want to help shape the economic development of the town, so fingers crossed there will be something I can really help on.</p> <p>But it has confirmed to me that faith is extraordinarily powerful, and one that I am realizing I have sorely missed in my life.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/10/18/conversations-withgod-4890175/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>volunteeringcharitybeliefreligionfaithgodhttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/10/18/conversations-withgod-4890175/#commentshttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/10/17/today-is-a-new-day-4885009/tag:mindjouney.blog.co.uk,2008-10-17:/2008/10/17/today-is-a-new-day-4885009/Fri, 17 Oct 2008 10:13:19 +0200 <p>It is Friday, the sun is shining generously and it is time to get myself better. </p> <p>Some years ago I was introduced to some CDs of Tony Robbins, a self-professed 'Life Coach' who has some really interesting techniques in improving quality of life, and ultimately getting a plan together to achieve what you want in life. </p> <p>The first thing he teaches is that the we have to take for ourselves, in spite of all of the crazy demands that are thrown our way and the strains that come with it. Having the time to yourself- to remember what you love, what you think, and what you want- is fundamentally important to getting more out of yourself. However, you have to get into the right state, so he recommends preceding those conversations with 'breath walking'- four short inhalations followed by four short exhalations. This stimulates the metabolism and gets you into the right mindset.</p> <p>The next 10 minutes is spending giving thanks for what I appreciate in life - begin with being grateful for my life - my body, my mind, my wealth, my partner, family, friends. The next fifteen is spent figuring out what I want from life, and what specific steps I need to take that day in order to achieve it.</p> <p>Finally, and this makes me feel really silly- five minutes of 'incantations', i.e. statements you say over again and out loud that really resonate inside yourself the more you say it. My incantations are to command myself to be happier, to get more focused and to listen to what my subconscious has to say. I say it over and over again and I have to admit, it does work, even though I usually feel quite dorky...</p> <p>Anyway, enough of typing, I need to get out and do it! I will also achieve lots of small things today- spending time with my partner, discovering new things, chatting with friends and learning new skills through books I have purchased.</p> <p>Onwards and upwards!</p> <p> So that is the thing that I am going to do from hereon. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/10/17/today-is-a-new-day-4885009/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>depressinwalkinglivinglifeself-helpstresspositivitypessimismhttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/10/17/today-is-a-new-day-4885009/#commentshttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/10/16/dealing-with-distress-4882061/tag:mindjouney.blog.co.uk,2008-10-16:/2008/10/16/dealing-with-distress-4882061/Thu, 16 Oct 2008 18:11:45 +0200 <p>Saturday night was a weird and frankly disturbing experience, but one I know I will look back on and appreciate because I know that I have been on the wrong track for some time.</p> <p>I haven't had a drink for 9 months or so, and decided, after much debate with myself, that I would go out and have some alcohol-induced fun, as a means of ready release from the stress I have been under, and frankly, the depression of being in a job that I have grown to despise. </p> <p>I had alot of fun, we finished at about 2.30 and went home, all was well. But the alcohol seemed to have triggered something in my mind, that released alot of distress I was feeling over the course of the previous three months. Because at 4.30 in the morning, I felt a powerful bolt of panic hit me in the head, as if I had been punched in my mind. 100 things about work started racing through my mind, but in the back of it- my conscious mind was wondering what was going on. I tried to calm myself down by focusing on a calming image- specifically, a beach I remembered at Koh Samui- which calmed my conscious mind down, but every time it did, I kept drifting off, only to be woken up by this kind of screaming voice in my head.</p> <p>It shook me heavily, and really knocked me- I woke up feeling shaky and detached from what was going on the next day. In fact, I had to walk around the streets discretely asking myself what thee hell was going on. So many things has raced through my mind it was difficult to lock on what the cause was. I talked for a long time, but to make matters worse I had a presentation to write. Whenever I thought of work, my mind filled with dread, almost fear. All of the pressure that was associated with it came flooding back. I began to conclude that I was stressed or depressed. I spent the weekend wandering around London, talking to myself and trying to figure out what was going on. </p> <p>I concluded that it was the pressure at work. With the new boss setting unrealistic goals, piling on pressure without any regard for my priorities, without really ccaring about anyone but herself, and her eagerness to score 'big wins' in her new role, coupled with the fact that I haven't really learnt to say no, meant that my subconscious mind had basically just shouted at me- NO MORE. </p> <p>Yet I felt embarrassed about it. I had always sneered at people who claimed to be stressed- I always saw stress as a good thing. I am not the kind of person who gets ill- I am the guy who tells jokes, goofs around, and is confident with people. I don't get stressed! But admitting it is the hardest part, and admitting that it is a legitimate complaint- and being humble about it enough to admit it to myself- has been difficult. It is such an ethereal problem, that affects the mind in such nuanced ways, that to isolate the causes inevitably takes time.</p> <p>I went to the doctor on Tuesday, and talked her through what was going on in my head. she knew exactly how I felt, and when she started talking to me about it I ended up crying, because it was good to know that it was legitimate, that it is something that other people can recognize. Even with your partner it is difficult to communicate how I felt, because I don't know how I feel about it myself. sometimes I am embarrassed by it, sometimes I understand it, so having someone who can relate to it and confidently communicate how I felt was enormously appreciating. </p> <p>Since then, I have spent time walking, getting to know what my mind is trying to tell me, and listening to myself. This has been an opportunity to understand why this has happened, and to put it right. I am beginning to understand that my life is completely out of balance- working all hours, having no fun, not seeing friends and family, spending too much time by myself- that this happened because I forgot that my work is just a poxy job. That is all it is. And i have made work far too important.</p> <p>But work doesn't love you back. rarely can you have a real belly laugh at work. And this is the issue- work should be fun, but regardless of how fun it is, there are far more dimensions to life that just sitting at a desk, firing emails. And this is what I have focused on- as part of my recovery, getting in touch with friends, switching off and enjoying what life has to offer. I have become detached from the world, disconnected, not contributing in meaningful ways that add value, in the smallest ways, to the broader universe.</p> <p>I have also made it a top priority to leave my work, it has made me desperately unhappy and I am hopeful that I will never have to return. at the same time, I am not going to make the situation worse by jumping into a role with my eyes shut- the important thing is that, in my new role, to ensure that I learn to say no and manage accordingly.</p> <p>but I also need to recover, and have joined several groups online, as well as buying self-help tapes to help me understand myself better, to listen to myself better. And personal development is of the utmost importance to me: not just in work but in the pursuits of my interests, and my spirituality.</p> <p>Today is the first day of the rest of my life, an opportunity to replenish and revive. wiosh me luck!</p> <p>and I also appreciate the value of being able to document this, writing it out is of enormous importance. I will be updating this on a more regular basis as I figure out how to learn about myself and re-connect with the world.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/10/16/dealing-with-distress-4882061/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>stressworkworkingeconomyalcoholdepressionself-helpwork-life-balancelifehttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/10/16/dealing-with-distress-4882061/#commentshttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/10/11/being-unhappy-atwork-4853834/tag:mindjouney.blog.co.uk,2008-10-11:/2008/10/11/being-unhappy-atwork-4853834/Sat, 11 Oct 2008 10:15:46 +0200 <p>Although I have had my moments, I had until this point never been truly unhappy wherever I worked. I always had disagreements, but largely I have been happy with my role, my colleagues and myself. However, that has changed considerably in the last 11 weeks and it is getting to the stage that I sometimes feel like feigning illness to avoid going to work.</p> <p>Whether I like it or not, a job is fundamentally important to one's wellbeing, because so much time is being spent in it. And although there are many different types of jobs out there, I believe a good working envronment is built on some fundamental principles</p> <p>* The role and the tasks that you need to accomplish are broadly defined, but in a manner that allows the details of their accomplishment to be defined by the individual</p> <p>* That there is a relative sense of autonomy in the accomplishment of these goals, and that the achievement of the goals is recognized and rewarded;</p> <p>* That you appreciate and respect your colleagues, and vice versa, hopefully having some fun along the way</p> <p>When you join a company, it is based the current view of that company- its success, its people and so on. And as with all things in life, companies change rapidly, and in doing so the dynamic of the company can also change. Departments change, people leave, people arrive, and when the pack is shuffled the company that you bought into suddenly feels different- is different.</p> <p>Until recently, largely because my line manager was absent for weeks at a time, I just got on with the job and was free to make those decisions, without much scrutiny. And I guess that autonomy spoilt me, I got accustomed to making big decisions. The department has always had stress, but it also had camaraderie, and we had fun doing it but we all pulled together when it was necessary to do so.</p> <p>11 weeks ago, a new Head of Department joined, and she has managed to undermine morale and make people feel unhappy. Her key strength is upwards management, i.e. she is an expert at managing her boss, and that is her core skill. She will not anyone in the department now communicate upwards, and she controls everything. As good as she is upwards, she is a terrible downward manager, often making decisions impusively without consulting the team, she has a selective memory in what she communicates.</p> <p>Her manner is also aggressive, and her choice of words are dispiriting. I do not like being in the same room as her as a result, and she will not communicate with me for days- and then all of a sudden I get hit with 30 emails, all to be done yesterday. It means my work is constantly reactive and I never accomplish the things I had set out to do. The tasks I do get could be undertaken by a zoo monkey.</p> <p>I am now looking for a new job, which is a shame but the only way to get back on track is to have the thrill of a new challenge and take it from there. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/10/11/being-unhappy-atwork-4853834/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>livingworkcaringlifework-life-balancehttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/10/11/being-unhappy-atwork-4853834/#commentshttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/08/25/getting-fit-amp-themotivationto-stay-fit-4635949/tag:mindjouney.blog.co.uk,2008-08-25:/2008/08/25/getting-fit-amp-themotivationto-stay-fit-4635949/Mon, 25 Aug 2008 19:02:43 +0200 <p>I have been going to the gym quite a bit over the last three months to keep myself in shape. </p> <p>The main reason was because I was beginning to get a bit of a paunch- something I had always dreaded because I have always been active. However, in my current job, my boss literally went AWOL for months, meaning I would have to work long hours, and I would always find a reason to work through lunch. and because we had decided to move to the coast, working out before work was not an option. So it led to the inevitable- I started gaining weught, around the lower stomach- and all of this was not helped by the onsite canteen, which nukes the nutrients out of the food, and most of the hot food is so greasy it packed with fat. </p> <p>added to that, the stress meant I would always find a reason to have a little bit more to eat than I should. It always the little things- perhaps a roll with butter, a garlic bread. And finally, the vending machine in the office only sells crap- chocolate, crisps, fizzy drinks packed with sugar. All of it, slowly, beings to take its toll.</p> <p>Then came one of those 'moments' - the ones that force you to sit up, take notice and do something about your life. For me, it was a picture of me on holiday, sitting on a beautiful beach on Koh samui, playing with a crazy dog who loved chasing splash from the sea. I have iPhoto on my computer at home, so I zoomed in to look at the detail of the picture, and was horrified to see my gut. admittedly I was hunched over, so it made it look worse than it was, but it was because of that I freaked out. that photo still motivates me- when I don't feel like getting moving, I visualize that image and promise myself I would never return back to that sorry state!</p> <p>Being on holiday I always find makes me relax and think about the things I am missing in my life, so I made a promise to myself that I needed to get back to being fit and healthy. So as soon as I got back, I joined the nearest gym, and promised myself that I would make my lunchtome sacred- i.e. no event or urge to work woulod get in the way. It is my time for me, and one that I need to do in order to deal with the stresses and strains thrown at me on a daily basis.</p> <p>Going to the gym was quite scary, because the first thing they did was evaluate me- blood pressure was fine, but I had gained 9 pounds in six months. The creepy thing about it is that it is invisible- you just don't notice it until one of those 'uh-oh' moments.</p> <p>I didn't really start slowly, I just jumped right in. I am naturally athletic, so I have high standards when it comes to working out. So after the first couple of times, the days after of which I couldn't really move I was so stiff, I got into the swing of it. I kept myself motivated with the image of that photo, but also I wanted to feel more confident in myself, feel empowered with knowing that I was looking after my body.</p> <p>So I now go to the gym virtually every day, although the last two weeks I have been taking it easy because my knee began to hurt from running too much. What is weird now though is that because I do it every day, I feel really grumpy on days I don't go- it is as if I need to exercise now- to get out the tension and the frustration is one of the key benefits for me, beyond just losing body fat. </p> <p>I got rid of the 9 pounds of bosy fat in a month, but I still have a layer of fat around the stomach I was to get rid of, so I am really going to go for it in the next month. I am meeting up with estranged family in a month's time, and I am going to use this for drive to ensure I lose c.4% more body fat so I look great.</p> <p>It is certainly not going to be easy, and of course, sometimes it would be nice not to do it- but once you are into it, it becomes addictive, so the extent that I need it so deal with the daily strains. In many ways, the hardest thing is not the exercise- it is the food! </p> <p>More on that later, dinner time now... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/08/25/getting-fit-amp-themotivationto-stay-fit-4635949/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>fitnessdriveexerciseliferunningdrivenlosing-weightweight-lossathleticslivingmotivationhttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/08/25/getting-fit-amp-themotivationto-stay-fit-4635949/#commentshttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/08/24/dilemmas-ahead-4631171/tag:mindjouney.blog.co.uk,2008-08-24:/2008/08/24/dilemmas-ahead-4631171/Sun, 24 Aug 2008 17:58:51 +0200 <p>I am faced with a couple of choices in the near future, none of which are easy but they are necessary to keep my career progressing to the level I need it to. </p> <p>First, I need to get back to education. I am pretty scared of going back, largely because I didn't have the concentration the last time round to sit still and learn. I really didn't enjoy school or university because I couldn't focus on one thing at a time, and I just didn't absorb the material. </p> <p>However, I got decent A levels, but poor university results. I spend the majority of my time working to make money, I found out that I was quite good at that and because I have so much energy, I made alot of money. This is what interested me. </p> <p>So when leaving University, I did what any ambitious person with poor grades probably did- I lied through my teeth about my degree. Because the position was so low-grade, the cost of running a check would have been prohibitive, and so I got in without a hitch. Since then, my experience has driven me up the ladder, so academic achievement hasn't really featured in anything I have susbsequently done.</p> <p>For 5 years, that was enough- working long hours and getting an edge over peers by working incredibly hard, going great work and delivering on promises. However, two things have happened since:</p> <p>* the lack of academic achievement gnaws at me- I know I could have done miles better in my degree, and I want to prove that to myself and;</p> <p>* Once you get to a certain level in career, working hard and being charismatic don't create that much of an edge because everyone works hard etc. </p> <p>I have looking at degrees to take in September, but I am concerned about my lack of attentiveness years ago, plus I tried taking a smaller course about years ago and didn't stick it out because I got bored with it.</p> <p>Obviously this is going to be a challenge, but one I have to meet. It has been put off for too long...bring it on. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/08/24/dilemmas-ahead-4631171/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>coststudyinglearningback-to-schooluniversityscaredhttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/08/24/dilemmas-ahead-4631171/#commentshttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/08/19/the-despicable-jade-goody-4610904/tag:mindjouney.blog.co.uk,2008-08-19:/2008/08/19/the-despicable-jade-goody-4610904/Tue, 19 Aug 2008 22:15:43 +0200 <p>Congratulations to Jade Goody, who has sunk celebrity exposure to depths that scrapes the very bottom of decency- to the extent that it drills through the wood, to see decency trickle out of the gaping hole.</p> <p>In short- Jade Goody has decided that she would use her cancer to try and get the public on her side. Let's just check the facts:</p> <p>* She knew that she was being tested for it long before she went into thr Indian House:<br> * The Indian House gives her maximum publicity because of the issues around Shilpa Shetty- the very source of her deserved fall from grace;<br> * The results of her cancer were DESIGNED to manipulate the public consciousness. It ensured that it capitalized on the power of association- by associating cancer [which generates public sympathy] with the Indian House [associated with her notoriety] it neutralizes the negativity.</p> <p>I am shocked that she would stoop so low - but it shows you what an aggressive, vain and disgusting animal that a certain level of celebrity has become, one that people need to take care over because these people influence your children. </p> <p>there is NO WAY that her publicists would have allowed the results of the test to be read on TV- they ABSOLUTELY knew what the impact of this announcement would be, although they obviously didn't know what the outcome would be: the tests were done long before she went in the house, they knew they existed, and the gamble of the outcome was played out on TV.</p> <p>The thing is - no one in the media will challenge it because it involves cancer - and out emotions are manipulated so Jade Goody can TAKE OUR MONEY by looking glassy-eyed on magazines, doing press junkets and so on. She is following Jordan's model- she is reinventing herself through tragedy, so she can resume her career.</p> <p>She is a DISGRACE - but a perfect illustration of what a twisted society we have become, one consumed in self-interest and self-promotion, above all ethics, abouve all morals, above all values.</p> <p>And when your child asks to smell like her, remember what you are buying into - the smell of a vacuous generation who are happy to manipulate you to fulfil their own ambitions. You emotions are currency, and your children are fair game. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/08/19/the-despicable-jade-goody-4610904/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>greedshilpa-shettypresscelebritymax-cliffordindiajournalismjade-goodybig-brotherperfumecancerhttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/08/19/the-despicable-jade-goody-4610904/#commentshttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/08/10/credit-crunch-anger-4567945/tag:mindjouney.blog.co.uk,2008-08-10:/2008/08/10/credit-crunch-anger-4567945/Sun, 10 Aug 2008 19:08:28 +0200 <p>The 'Credit Crunch' angers me, because the system has taken our money, gambled with it, and lost- and as a result it is us that have to bail them out because the treasury believe the disease is less painful than the cure. And what is worse- virtually no one has lost their jobs: the same people who gambled our deposits, pensions, savings etc. are still sitting in their ivory towers, draped in lavish lifestyles that have come regardless of the fact they have de-stabilized the entire western world. </p> <p>I am sure everyone knows this, but the financial system is extraordinarily greedy. It hires the best brains, and the most talented mathematicians to conceive new financial vehicles from which to derive more profit. To this end, these mathematicians devised 'gearing' of high-risk debt, through complex restructuring, so that they could then be sold on the debt market as 'AAA' debt- debt that is the least risky to buy. However, the debt that was contained within it often included the poor - the kind of people of earned $16k a year but were given a $300k mortgage- who had no hope in hell of repaying that debt. But the system's fail-safes- the credit-scoring of debt by people such as Moody's- was too slow to adapt to the new vehicles that had been conceived by the banks. </p> <p>Let us be clear- all of the banks [with very few exceptions] were in on this scam. They wilfully lent the money to people who were not smart, were mis-sold the mortgages by greddy brokers who got a commission on sale. Even those brokers who knew it was wrong did nothing about it, because they knew these customers would just go across the street to a competitor- hell, why EVEN BOTHER trying to intervene when you might lose out on some cash?</p> <p>And this is the rotting, stinking heart of the American/Capitalist Dream- it all comes down to getting rich, with the ends justifying the means. As long as you look after yourself, everything else is expendable. During the last 5 years, fat cats have literally sucked billions out of the system to line their own pockets, and got out whilst the going was good. But then the cracks began to appear, and senior executives realised they were holding bonds that were bad- they owned debt that was owed by hicks, the underclass- and the game was up.</p> <p>The system has let us all down- not only can we now not get mortgages, which means that the economic system declines across the board [no new house= no new furnishings, no new cars, electricals, broadband, TV etc] but the taxpayer has had to bail out the very companies who got us into this mess. Small business can't expand because their are no loans, and people cannot Our taxes - that I personally work 70 hours a week to pay- have propped up Northern Rock, which is sucking £3bn a quarter out of the treasury- in spite of 2.2k employees losing their jobs and in spite of the fact that the elderly can't afford their electricity.</p> <p>It is clear that capitalism is a destructive force, that has served to only make a handful of people extremely rich, at the expense of those who are less smart, less driven, less lucky. And what is worse, we have all contributed to it invisibly, and it has come home to roost- our pensions are gambled with; our taxes have been bet on a quick recovery that won't come and our livlihoods have been put on the line. But has anyone paid for this? No: the government dithers as time goes on, paralysed by having to make tough decisions [thanks Labour] opn a system that funds it, a system that shrugs its shoulders and closes rank- and a toothless press that meekly follows the orders of the bosses who own the same system that it should be exposing as being broken and flawed. </p> <p>It is a disgrace that capitalism has eaten itself, that NOT ONE institution stood up to challenge it. and that we are all staring into the abyss. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/08/10/credit-crunch-anger-4567945/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>angersmall-businessjournalismcredit-crunchdebtcredit-cardspresscredithttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/08/10/credit-crunch-anger-4567945/#commentshttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/08/10/deconstructed-self-4567834/tag:mindjouney.blog.co.uk,2008-08-10:/2008/08/10/deconstructed-self-4567834/Sun, 10 Aug 2008 18:43:05 +0200 <p>The past seven months of sobriety have been worrying as they have made me look deep inside myself and I have realised that the things that I have been driven by so far in life are not the values that are going to sustain my happiness. Let me explain.</p> <p>For the last seven years, I have been extremely materialistic, associating financial abundance with happiness. For the first six years, it mattered because I didn't have any money- and when you are in London, you are literally surrounded by those with financial abundance, so I got hooked on it. I wanted a nice house, a nice car etc. etc. and my parents [who I don't talk to any more] always felt that I wasn't achieving because I wasn't earning the kind of money they expected me to be making. In short, I began to see making money as a means of acceptance. But whilst the chase was fun, I hate the catch.</p> <p>Now I have got to the point where I can save c.£600 a month or do whatever I want with it- and I am depressed! I don't need to buy anything and I don't want to buy anything. I am not driven by money at all, and I am deeply unhappy because of it- I have had to sacrifice alot of personal time for the pursuit of money, and as a result I am not rich in spirit- it has made me boring, missing out on time with friends, learning opportunities and so on. In short, it has made me unhappy.</p> <p>What is worse- capitalism itself has now proven not to work. The credit crunch lays bare the fact that capitalism is successful in making the unscrupulous rich: capitalism works for those who have no regard for the customers whose money and future they invest in, sucking money out of the system to gamble high-stakes and to line their pockets with more money. Buy how much money is enough- and when should society determine that when these people are wearing £50k watches, that enough is enough and they have a responsibility more than most to improve society?</p> <p>During that same period, I also lost my sense of spirituality- I never believed in the biblical God, but I always believed in a higher force. But because I have focused so intently other things I now feel disconnected, I feel I have lost that connection with the world, I feel my values have been warped to the extent I sometime find it difficult to recognize myself. And this had led me to feel increasingly demotivated.</p> <p>I have to change my life, by taking small, steady steps, towards reclaiming what I believe in: that we are here for good, not for selfishness. I am here to help people, not constantly take from them and 'acquire' them for companies. I want to love again, and feel connected to humanity, and I want to find beauty again in the smallest of things- like a thank you. I have to embark on this for myself, as otherwise I will be lost to the gloom and all I have to offer the world will be lost with it. There is so much more to life than what I currently feel- I know it, and I want to cherish it again.</p> <p>So, first things first. I have bought a self-help CD, that will help me get back on track, and I am going to develop new routines that I will so I can bring new routines into my life. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/08/10/deconstructed-self-4567834/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>credit-crunchhumanitydevelopmentdepressiondarklovecapitalismlearningmotivationspiritualityhttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/08/10/deconstructed-self-4567834/#commentshttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/07/01/the-trouble-with-being-yourself-4390334/tag:mindjouney.blog.co.uk,2008-07-01:/2008/07/01/the-trouble-with-being-yourself-4390334/Tue, 01 Jul 2008 17:59:00 +0200 <p>'just be yourself' is a well-worn, cliched phrase that crops up alot- from friends, in popular culture, before interviews etc. It is something that has become embedded in every day phraseology, suggesting instantly that people are like rocks- shaped out of stone, fixed, solid, stable.</p> <p>Except that they are not, or at least I am not. I thought it would be easy to just 'be myself' when I stopped taking drugs and drinking to excess. what has become obvious is that I am not a fixed person, idenfied by consistent behaviour, thoughts, and deeds. The truth is much ore complex.</p> <p>I vary wildly each day, affected by my diet, the amount I have slept, the pressure in that days, the weather, exercise- so many factors combine to make one's constitution that is impossible to 'be yourself' when there are so many innate attributes related to yourself that affect your abilities and perceptions of yourself- to the extent that 'being yourself' demands a fixed self-perception.</p> <p>what the cliche doesn't tell you is that time changes you: the person I am is different to who I was last year, and the year before that. To me, life is moving faster and responsibilties are getting greater. It means that 'myself' is in a constant state of change to meet those demands, to ensure that I adapt to whatever the climate is so that I can weather it.</p> <p>'Being yourself' is difficult, not least because there are sub-groups of my personality. for example, I like to make people laugh, but how much of that personality should I demonstrate at, say, a board-level presentation? What if parts of myself are in conflict- for example, my ambition to get to the top is at odds with the voice in my head telling me to slow down and 'relax' - 'being yourself' is not easy at all, especially because we are, at once, simple creatures dominated by internal complexities and external stimuli that shape who we are, all of which collide at the same time. </p> <p>and what if 'being yourself' is the wrong thing to be? what if certain parts of you get in the way of progressing? And if you change or compromise beliefs that are dear to you, how much do you compromise inside yourself, and in doing so, change as a result?</p> <p>cliches are everywhere, they dominate our lives because we are lazy and language is tribal. But every day I struggle with 'being myself' - in making the right decisions, following the right choices, doing what I think is right when my surroundings constantly demand more answers, faster. It is possibly the hardest thing I face. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/07/01/the-trouble-with-being-yourself-4390334/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>pop-culturelifebeing-yourselfmindsetquestionspsychologyhttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/07/01/the-trouble-with-being-yourself-4390334/#commentshttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/05/31/alchohol-free-day-whatever-4251695/tag:mindjouney.blog.co.uk,2008-05-31:/2008/05/31/alchohol-free-day-whatever-4251695/Sat, 31 May 2008 18:21:57 +0200 <p>Wow, I haven't written on this since 04.02, which is a really long time. So much has happened in that short space: Labour has imploded, the economy has tanked, it costs an extra £90 a month to fill a car every week, food priuces have gone through the ceiling, kids stabbing one another, Boris Johnson Mayor [!!!] - so much to talk about!</p> <p>Anyway, my new year's resolutions are going really well, and I haven't had a drink all year [apart from a one-off session on holiday on the final night of the 6 nations] and more importantly: I haven't had any drugs! Woo-hoo! I am so proud of myself.</p> <p>It has definitely helped moving out of London, where drugs and alcohol are everywhere, but I have also been determined to do it. If you want to do something, it is always the case that it happens. Sometimes life is truly remarkable!</p> <p>Anyway, I am getting into shape by exercising hard [I get a buzz out of that these days], keeping busy by working hard, reading and I am shortly about to apply for some volunteering opportunities down in Hastings. It is important to have these experiences in life, not least if you don't have these broad experiences, you can become quite/very boring, as I found out just before shaun and I went on holiday. All I could talk about was work work and work.</p> <p>I am also being interviewed for a promotion at work- fingers crossed that I get it, as it will mean I can strike another resolution off the list: to earn more money!</p> <p>However, life wouldn't be life unless it threw some curveballs. Out of the blue I got a call from my mother, who I have't spoken with in two years. It was quite surreal, not least because the conversation was quite superficial: 'How are you?' 'Fine' etc. She makes my skin crawl, I really want nothing to do with her. What on earth is the point of being around someone who is determined to make you feel bad? I have sorted myself out almost entirely, and I think it is also in part down to the fact I don't have them in my life- I have complete freedom over my choices: no guilt, no sneering remarks, no acidic put-downs etc. I really think I have made the right choice by keeping them out of my life.</p> <p>That said, there are moments. For example, the romanticism of events like birthdays and Christmas. It is easily forgotten that those events were rubbish when I was with them- I don't think I got a birthday present after I was 17 for example- but still, it is sometimes good to know that someone else other than your partner is thinking of you on those days. However, that feeling goes pretty quickly because Xmases were rubbish and gave me an inferiority complex because my sister used to get amazing presents, and I got some hand-me-down suit. I am not material, but I am not a fucking idiot and now refuse to be treated with anything less than respect. If not - fuck off, and stop calling me, because you are embarrassing us both!</p> <p>So anyway, I will be back on for a while, I have missed doing this. During the week though it is quite difficult, as I don't get home til about 8.45 in the evening, and am up at 5.45, so it doesn't leave much time to muse and indulge in thinking.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/05/31/alchohol-free-day-whatever-4251695/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>gordon-browndrugscelbritylifestabbingshttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/05/31/alchohol-free-day-whatever-4251695/#commentshttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/02/04/burning_out~3677012/tag:mindjouney.blog.co.uk,2008-02-04:/2008/02/04/burning_out~3677012/Mon, 04 Feb 2008 10:59:40 +0100 <p>I think I am burning out because I haven't really had a break in over 18 months.</p> <p>I am not burning out in the way that I'd expected- i.e. from exhaustion. It has just left me with a lingering sense of lethargy- it is too much effort to call friends, it is too much effort to say something special to your partner, it is too much effort to get ready for some things. In horst, it is quite a pervasive attitude that comes with focusing one one thing, over and over again, and not really taking a break from it.</p> <p>That'thing' is work. My boss is extraordinarily lazy, and so the team carry him through. There have also been some big changes structurally which means working 15 hours a day [though 4 of those are on a train]. The more intense work has become, the more I have lost sight of things like friends. I am so busy I don't even have time to check my Hotmail, meaning I get more detached from the things that give me balance.</p> <p>Alot of it is to do with being disciplined and saying no, but also looking at the opportunity cost- for example, by investing so much time into things now, it will mean I have a better quality of life in a couple of years time. The latter argument was something I thought through 7 years ago, and it seems that if you chase better quality of life in the mid-term, then I just keep on chasinfg that elusive dream- like a hamster on the wheel. </p> <p>At the very least, I have got the business to invest £10k in my development, so I will begin to be a better professional. But I must strive for more balance- starting with a two week holiday in March. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/02/04/burning_out~3677012/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>feelingsmondaysillburning-outstressworkhttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/02/04/burning_out~3677012/#commentshttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/01/12/goes_around_comes_around~3565206/tag:mindjouney.blog.co.uk,2008-01-12:/2008/01/12/goes_around_comes_around~3565206/Sat, 12 Jan 2008 11:34:26 +0100 <p>When growing up in the mid-90s, I distinctly remember the Labour party venomously attacking the tories over a variety of 'sleaze' allegations as the party, incumbent for so long in power, had grown venal and weak from not being called into questions by a competant opposition for so long.</p> <p>The same is happening today. I am troubled how the Labour party- outwardly more principled, more 'salt of the earth' than the tories ever could be, and yet they find themselves in a similar position as they were 10-12 years ago. It seems that, regardless of principle or manifesto, power corrupts. And without the arch-spin master at the helm in Mr Tony Blair, who knew better than anyone in the world how to manage these kind of situations and deal with the media on it, the party are beginning to unravel and Gordon Brown's position is beginning to look genuinely untenable.</p> <p>However, sleaze is just part of it- sleaze is just the surface. Sleaze is like an oily skin complexion: it only gets to that state if there is something wrong within. For these issues to manifest, it suggests something is rotten at the heart of power- the same heart that decides what laws we need, what money we pay, how much support we receive.</p> <p>On that front, there are two points at the moment that call this government into question. One, they are being investigated by the police over illegal donations to the party via 'intermediaries' - i.e. people whose names were given as providing the donation, but in fact the money came from someone else, and those names give cover to the actual donor. The investigation will focus on this practice and should ask the central question as to whether those in the heart of government encouraged this illegal behaviour. Then there is Peter Hain, who seems to have invented a 'progressive policy forum' - which has never had a meeting, written any papers or have a website- that donated £50,000 to him when he was running for Deputy Prime Minister. Curioser and Curioser... </p> <p>sleaze is about reputation, but the government have also been taken to the brink by questions over their competance- specifcally Northern Rock and the fact the 25m personal files went missing. then, of course, there is the issue of the economy- specifically whether the economy has been run as well as we thought. Because it is beginning to look in ropey shape as few contingencies were made during the good years to make up for the bad years. In short, the coffers are bare and in order to fund the economic boom, people have been saddled with unparalleled levels of debt. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/01/12/goes_around_comes_around~3565206/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>peter-hainmissing-datauktoriespoliticsjohn-majotrgordon-browneconomysleazenorthern-rocklabourhttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/01/12/goes_around_comes_around~3565206/#commentshttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/01/07/sober_as_a_goddamn_nun~3543733/tag:mindjouney.blog.co.uk,2008-01-07:/2008/01/07/sober_as_a_goddamn_nun~3543733/Mon, 07 Jan 2008 22:52:53 +0100 <p>I am taking New Year's Resolutions to new jealous levels.</p> <p>Not only do I seem to have given up alcohol, but for some reason I decided to switch from skimmed milk to soya milk, which I much prefer. I have also [almost] stopped drinking coffee and replaced it with hot water with a little ginger, plus I haven't eaten any red meat, which is highly unusual. Weird times lie ahead...</p> <p>...sobriety is fine, am enjoying it, although there haven't been any real tests yet. For one, I stayed in at the weekend. Secondly, everyone around you is doing the same thing, though already some have started to fall off the wagon. the real test will be on February 29th, when there is a big session planned with friends in Newcastle, which will difficult as they are al big drinkers.</p> <p>It is funny how much you can achieve in a sober life. Already I have delivered tons of work, been out for hours on the beach, been to the Battle of Hastings and got back to exercise. I have also requested lots of development training to keep me focused and disciplined so that I don't drink again. I am going to take a Chartered Management Diploma for good measure, and registered for a personal finance course in november to keep me on the straight and narrow. </p> <p>Good times! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/01/07/sober_as_a_goddamn_nun~3543733/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>nunscoursessobernewcastledrinkinglearninghttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/01/07/sober_as_a_goddamn_nun~3543733/#commentshttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/01/02/debt_free~3520834/tag:mindjouney.blog.co.uk,2008-01-02:/2008/01/02/debt_free~3520834/Wed, 02 Jan 2008 23:01:32 +0100 <p>Something that will happen this month is that, on 31st January, I will be completely debt-free [mortgage permitting]. This has been a 12 year journey that has seen me at the wrong end of this experience when I was younger, and have worked bloody hard to overcome since. </p> <p>The experience for me has been quite varied- on the one hand, it comes down to personality, a certain impulsiveness, that encouraged me to live for the moment, knowing deep down that I didn't have the means to pay off what I was borrowing. On the other, society is accepting of mountains of debt, ably supported by [and this is my third point] finely-tuned credit organizations who understand fully how to market cleverly on insecurity, impulsiveness, impatience and all of the other weaknesses that society allows us to have. </p> <p>The first element of this is simple. When I was a student, debt became freely available from the second I advised them that I was going to university [June 96]. Without any further ado I received a £1,000 interest-free overdraft- and by the time I got to university in September, I was already at my limit. I had spent the summer partying and hanging out, and using that money to get around the place.</p> <p>As soon as I got university though, my allowance from my family simply didn't cover the expense of living at univeristy, and by living, university is geared for extracting maximum cash from their students from day one. Bars, events, clubs and societies are all geared for that. By the end of the first month I was broke, having partied and drunk myself to that point. I didn't even have money for course books- not that it mattered, as I was often too hungover to go to classes. So the next step was to take out student loans, which at the time were £2,000 a year, which got me through.</p> <p>I realise, looking back, that I was extremely lucky. I was the last admission who got grants - students are now leaving university with £15,000 debt, before they even begin working, which is appalling and a very negative signal for poorer kids who simply cannot afford to be saddled with this sum.</p> <p>However, that aside, by the time that I left university I was £8,000 in debt- it sounds alot, but the problem with debt [like drugs] is that is creeps on you- when it grows in small increments, rather than massive steps, it is easy to ignore it because it doesn't feel painful. </p> <p>On leaving University, I needed to get to London, set myself up with my boyfriend etc. so I decided to get a £6,000 graduate loan, which was spent within 6 months after getting furniture, deposits etc. I then got a job worth a whopping £12,000 a year, which was truly dreadful and I worked my arse off for.</p> <p>As soon as you get a job- it doesn't really matter how much- the banks then start sending you aggressive marketing materials. Given my financial insecurity, it was a matter of when, and that moment came as soon as the loan had stopped. Within 12 months after that, I had reached my £5,000 credit limit. So within 18 months of leaving University, I was £19,000 in debt. The turning point came when I had nowhere left to go, and I had to address the issue. </p> <p>I made a concerted effort over the next five years to get rid of debt, and I have to admit to being extremely lucky. For one, I have no dependents- meaning all cash could go to debts. Secondly, I had made massive leaps in salary, so I could dedicate all reasonable monies to debt. I do think I have become debt-free just at the right time though.</p> <p>Others are not so lucky- I managed to do all of this with low household bills, low APRs and no dependents. UK Consumers are not £1.35 trillion in debt, with a staggering £93 billion in interest repayments. 46% of people who paid for Xmas on credit in 2006 were still paying off that debt in 2007. I am in no way pointing fingers- I know how hard it is, and if it wasn't for debt, I wouldn't have been able to start life with my boyfriend and stave off poverty.</p> <p>My concern for the country is that the credit companies are now clamping down on cheap credit- 38% of people who applied for credit cards were refused in November, up a massive 16% month on month. It means that credit card switchers may find it harder in the future, meaning that they are going to accumulate more debt in the process. Furthermore, household bills look set to rise massively, with oil close to $100 for the first time ever, food bills soraing and with gas and electricity bills set to rise, it will be harder than ever for consumers to be free of debt. For those in that situation, good luck to you- it is by no means impossible, just requires some planning and some discipline- and time. Be patient, stay focused and you will reap what you sow. </p> <p>Good luck to you if you are one of them.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/01/02/debt_free~3520834/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>debtloanssalaryuniversitycredit-cardsmaking-moneyworkinghttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/01/02/debt_free~3520834/#commentshttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/01/01/goodbye_2007_thank_goodness~3513974/tag:mindjouney.blog.co.uk,2008-01-01:/2008/01/01/goodbye_2007_thank_goodness~3513974/Tue, 01 Jan 2008 12:58:23 +0100 <p>Thankfully that year is over.</p> <p>There is alot to be grateful for, but it was certainly a year of personal turbulence, underpinned by lots of dependencies. I am glad I am over them- as a last hurrah I did a small amount of cocaine and half a pill, which I am paying for now, but it was such small quantities that I feel a bit dizzy today without being crippled with a downer. I know it seems stupid, but in a way I was saying goodbye to them- I won't be doing them again in my life, I have finally conquored my demons [I hope!] and am looking forward to moving on with other great things in my life.</p> <p>Now that I am 30, there are other things going on that I need to focus on- particularly my health and wellbeing, my friendships, relationships and career, all of which are more imnportant than ever. I don't regreat that period- it was fun, but the lows were fast becoming larger than the highs and that is the problem with drugs- it is seductive to live in that high, that moment, without believing there would be any physical or emotional repurcusions. I am exteremly grateful for getting out without any major health or depency issues.</p> <p>So today is the first day of sobriety. I have a cup of tea and have downed fruit juice, and I look forward to life with a new vigour. Life is never easy, but taking what appear to be easy ways out only make things worse I now know. So I look forward to learning more about myself along the journey and by doing positive things in my life from hereon. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/01/01/goodbye_2007_thank_goodness~3513974/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>living2008dazed-and-confusednew-yyeardrugslifehttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2008/01/01/goodbye_2007_thank_goodness~3513974/#commentshttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/12/30/new_year_s_resolutions~3508308/tag:mindjouney.blog.co.uk,2007-12-30:/2007/12/30/new_year_s_resolutions~3508308/Sun, 30 Dec 2007 20:48:03 +0100 <p>For me, by far the best thing about the Xmas period is New Year's Resolutions. They make me feel invigorated and give me some focus, albeit for about six months. But this time I am really going to try and make them last and change my life for the better.</p> <p>I also try really hard to stick with them, and I try and keep them to as few as possible so that I don't overstretch myself. So starting at 12.01 on January 1st my resolutions are-</p> <p><strong>1. Stop drinking for 11 months</strong></p> <p>It sounds difficult, but I really can't wait for this one to happen, asI have a difficult relationship with it. Because of its legitimacy, alcohol is far more of a menace than most narcotics. Yet for many of my friends and colleagues it is a form of social currency. I cannot bear what it does to my body and my mind, and am going to get rid of it completely.</p> <p>To keep incentivized, I am going to-</p> <p>* Keep sober for charity, with the target of raising £1,000 for charity through donations for Dr. Barnados. People will be able to sponsor me by day/week/month;</p> <p>* Put £30 a week into a kitty that represents roughly weekly spending on alcohol, setting aside £1,560 in a year to spend on anything I want in December 2008;</p> <p><strong>2. Get back to doing some exercise, lose 8% body fat and replace that with muscle</strong></p> <p>I have really lost track of fitness thanks to the job eating up my time, but there really is no excuse whatsoever. There are two really important points in this resolution-</p> <p>* I have to change my diet, and be strict about what I can eat, and by what time. For example, eating carbs after 4pm is a no-go because they body doesn't consume them in time, storing them as fat. So carbs should be eaten at breakfast/lunch, and they should be complex, not simple. Equally, all bad snacks are out, replaced with fruit/nut mix. Down to Holland & Barratt then...!</p> <p>* Don't kill myself with exercise. For the first month it is all about getting into rhythm, so that doesn't mean running at 100mph and killing myself. It is about gradually easing into it, scheduling specific times to to light and frequent exercise, as well as slowly biulding up muscle that in turn mean that each month one can gradually do more;</p> <p>* Join a gym for non-peak hours specifically for weight training;</p> <p>* Buy a bicycle and go cycling along the coast on the weekend;</p> <p>* In the summer, learn to kite surf at Camber Sands</p> <p><strong>3. Get promoted at work and increase income by £25,000</strong></p> <p>I think this will happen in the first quarter, so I just need to keep on working really hard and stating my claim for the vacant departmental head position. I am focused on this already but it is definitely a goal that I can achieve, and with that additional responsibility will come more stress, which I need to be careful about because it might well affect the above two.</p> <p><strong>4. To not take my relationship for granted</strong></p> <p>I kind of do this one every year. I am so grateful for my relationship, which as stood all manners thrown at it, and I will keep investing in that ongoing. This means quality time with each other, enjoying new experiences, making new friends and seeing more of what is going on in Hastings. We are looking to make Hastings our base and I want us to enjoy all there is of it, and each other in the process.</p> <p><strong>5. Believe more in your instincts!</strong></p> <p>There were a few important moments last year when I didn't trust my instincts and the outcome of situations were not as good as they should have been. I am going to back my instincts this year when a high-pressure decision is required that I haven't had previous experience of.</p> <p>So that is it, more emerge throughout the year I'm sure, but I am focused on these, and I truly hope that some of them can be achieved ahead of time. Onwards and upwards!</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/12/30/new_year_s_resolutions~3508308/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>new-years-resolutionsdrinkingalocoholfitnessrelationships2008worksobrietypromotionhttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/12/30/new_year_s_resolutions~3508308/#commentshttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/12/26/boxing_day_grotesque~3493857/tag:mindjouney.blog.co.uk,2007-12-26:/2007/12/26/boxing_day_grotesque~3493857/Wed, 26 Dec 2007 23:05:26 +0100 <p>I had the misfortune of going to the Shopping centre at the heart of Brighton this morning.</p> <p>I had gone there originally to go to Art Republic, as there is a print I am really keen on, but it was closed, meaning that we had driven to Brighton aimlessly. Nevertheless, we had breakfast then wandered up the hill and thought we might as well look around the shopping centre, as it was the only thing that was open, plus you never know what you might find. Now that I do know, I shall never go shopping on boxing day again.</p> <p>The shops opened at different times- i.e. some at 10am, others later. Which meant the precinct resembled something out of the set of Day of the Dead. Those who wanted to go to the later shops were just sitting around like drones, with sullen looks ,not talking, just mutterting to one another. They all seemed to have tattoos and the women had badly dyed hair. They were just waiting to shop- that was all that was in their head. Surely they had had enough of this by now?</p> <p>Anyway, the first shop that was open was called USC, which looked like a designer shop, but those that were hovering in it were Turkish, young or quite pikey. They were also quite aggressive forragers, surrying away to find their bargains...if only they knew that the 'original' price was actually marked up, meaning the % discount appears larger than it is, perhaps they wouldn't be sp vpciferous in their pursuit for a bargain. Anyway, after observing them for some time, it reminded me of a chimp colony, where the chimps jostled for order in the colony's hierarchy- those who were most desperate to be saved by designer clothes, to mask their own imperfections, would surely get the banana.</p> <p>Next was a bizarre calandar space- it wasn't a shop, but rather racks in an open space inside the precinct on either side of a walkway. Which seemed to have this hypnotic effect on all of the ugly people, who stopped dead in their tracks as they tried to walk past, congesting the area and making it difficult for anyone not interested in a calendar to pass. But what I found more troubling was the theme of the calendars. One was of sausage dogs- for 12 months! Another one was of manicured cats...People were flicking through them, as if they intended to buy it. Good lord, how I pity the ugly.</p> <p>...by this time I was starting to get dizzy, I walked into an O'Neill surf shop to find anything of interest, but they seemed to have reduced their items by a measly 5%, plus their music was blaring so loud that I couldn't concentrate. And then it hit me- I don't actually need or want anything. I am wasting time in a precinct, surrounded by grotesque people who have made shopping the centre of their universe, who thrive on it, who live for it, and here I am blending in with them. And I don't need anything, I am grazing on commerce, because it is all-consuming and it is hard to say no. And then it hit me.</p> <p>Because shopping and shopping preceincts are the new church- people can't wait to get inside them, to spend on 'bargains'- execpt their are no bargains, because we are buying things we already have, and the original prices were marked up in the first place. It seemed that people were willing to wait over an hour to get in, just to peruse, be tempted, to be seduced by what was on offer- who cared what they were selling- they are selling these people a lifestyle- a lifestyle that is never possible to attain, but in that short, sweet transaction, gives no-hopes that all-important glimmer. A glimmer of a better life. Until it fades away, and that gnawing feeling comes back, the feeling that asks - 'Did this make you happy?'. And because the answer is always the same, they traipse back to the church every week to try and catch another glimmer, to try and ignore that their soul that is eroding before them, like a rock pounded by the waves over time, and hoping that instant gratification of a new bracelet will distract them long enough to see the cracks in the rock appearing.</p> <p>Commerce has certainly won the war for the soul.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/12/26/boxing_day_grotesque~3493857/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>godjesusshoppingchristboxing-dayreligionchurchcommercesoulhttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/12/26/boxing_day_grotesque~3493857/#commentshttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/12/25/the_value_of_christmas~3488562/tag:mindjouney.blog.co.uk,2007-12-25:/2007/12/25/the_value_of_christmas~3488562/Tue, 25 Dec 2007 10:47:00 +0100 <p>Not to labour the point, but it looks like the UK will spend £52 million online on Christmas Day.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/12/25/the_value_of_christmas~3488562/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>christmascommercevaluehttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/12/25/the_value_of_christmas~3488562/#commentshttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/12/24/the_value_of_christmas~3486753/tag:mindjouney.blog.co.uk,2007-12-24:/2007/12/24/the_value_of_christmas~3486753/Mon, 24 Dec 2007 16:16:29 +0100 <p>Ever since Charles Dickens defined the spirit of Christmas, it has been uncool to question the value of it.</p> <p>However, we wrote that stopry over 250 years ago and the world has changed since then. Not least, the equivalent urchins of his story are now the same children working in sweatshops, working to keep up with the commercial demands imposed on them by Westerners. I like to think he would be horrified at what an unfortunate season Xmas has become.</p> <p>I suppose Christmas is a magical time for those who believe in the mythology of it [specifically children], but for those who might be a little older it seems a rather bleak experience. And every time it comes along, I wonder why we keep insisting on going through the motions of it. </p> <p>For one, it doesn't mean anything any more. Religion continues to slowly disintegrate, undermining the relevance of Xmas as it is anchored in celebrating a specific event in the bible. I would be impressed if 1m people went to church this Xmas day. </p> <p>However, one aspect of it- the tradition of giving- remains healthy and has stepped in to fill the vacuum of irrelevance. The spirit of Xmas is impossible to distinguish from the spirit of commerce. And this is what I find most slavish about Xmas. Companies begin thinking about Xmas in April, shaping the advertising campaigns to seducer and persuade in equal measure. </p> <p>I don't know about oyu, but I don't really see anyone having fun at Xmas. I don't see smiling, happy faces as people queue up in the shops to get the latest PS3 that their children have been nagging them for. I do see quite a few folorn faces though- and when I see them, I wonder if it is all worth it. I wonder if the burden is worth it- I wonder if the credit card bills are worth it. 46% of people who put Xmas on plastic in 2006 are still paying it off this year.</p> <p>The spirit of commerce is also quite frustrating emotionally. Because the desire for what you ask for is much nicer than receiving the gift. And that is the founding principle of marketing- desire in a fundamentally human emotion, and with the right insight can be created for anything. And so this is exploited to great effect. Children now demand £350 PS3s, £40 Transformers and so on. The stakes are much higher.</p> <p>And the ultaimte irony is that all of those demands are felt in China, Taiwan and so on, as they work in poor conditions to meet the children's expectations. I wonder what the religious view point is - yet another religious sentiment that creates dischord in the world.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/12/24/the_value_of_christmas~3486753/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>mondaycommercevaluesbuyingchristmashttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/12/24/the_value_of_christmas~3486753/#commentshttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/12/15/parents~3447259/tag:mindjouney.blog.co.uk,2007-12-15:/2007/12/15/parents~3447259/Sat, 15 Dec 2007 15:04:02 +0100 <p>I haven't seen my parent since April 2005.</p> <p>I have found my parent's influence quite negative in my life, and until that time they had made me feel that the choices I had made in my life were inadequate. My choice of job, my choice of partner etc. were all part of the ritual. There was always someone else they knew of who was doing better. In many ways, I guess this is what parents do with many people, and I guess we all just grin and bear the snide remarks, the slow drips of condescension.</p> <p>But there are some things that changed my mind. In April 2005, it was my sister's 25th birthday. Shortly after that, I went up to their house as a trust fund became eligible for me when my sister hit 25. It wasn't big by any means, but it would be enough for me to put a deposit down on a flat in London. When we began talking about it, it transpired that the whole amount had been given to my sister. My father tried to convince me that he had told me of this before, and that I was happy with the decision.</p> <p>I felt really confused, and angry. I told my father to go fuck himself, got hold of my rucksack and walked five miles to the station to get myself back to London. That was the last time I saw them. </p> <p>Things like that heal with time, and no doubt if the proceeding events didn't happen, I probably would have made my peace. However, the 7th July bombings really showed their true colours. When the bombs happened, I was working in a global office, surrounded by Asian, Amercian and European people- whose parents, in different times zones [from 4am to 11pm] were calling their children within minutes of the bombs happening. I didn't get my call until Saturday- over 48 hours after the event. At least they called, you might say.</p> <p>During that call, I told them that a member of my team was still missing and I was going into the office to man the phones. Those two weeks after the bombings were the worst ever, I had to bury a colleague and care for a team of 15 people through it. Even though I told them what I was doing, I didn't hear back from my parents for over 8 months. Those eight months told me everythying, and during that time I had really fought hard with turbuelnt feelings. I learned in that time that life really is short, and that you don't get second chances.</p> <p>This is my credo now-</p> <p>I will be damned if I will let anyone in my life bring me down, and make me feel less than I am, and I sure as hell will not be treated without respect. I don't give a fuck who you are- if you cross these lines, we're done.</p> <p>My parents get in touch every Xmas, largely because the holiday season makes them feel the need to try, and I am civil to them, but I will never, ever let them into my life again because my life is much better without them in it. I live life by my own standards, my own rules, and with people that I love and who love me. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/12/15/parents~3447259/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>familylivingparentshatelovesaturdayangerhttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/12/15/parents~3447259/#commentshttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/12/15/myself_under_control~3447007/tag:mindjouney.blog.co.uk,2007-12-15:/2007/12/15/myself_under_control~3447007/Sat, 15 Dec 2007 14:01:14 +0100 <p>I hope this doesn't turn out to be my football commentary moment, but I think I am getting myself under control and learning to channel my excessive tendencies in positive ways. </p> <p>Until June, I was going to extremes all the time, drinking heavily, taking many drugs and generally damaging myself and mushing my mind up and taking myself down the wrong road. I needed to change or I would end up not achieving my ambitions and ruining my potential.</p> <p>In July, I made a decision with my boyfriend to move out of London- and it has had an amazing impact of the quality on my life. For one, there are no drugs or nightclubs here: pubs close at 12am and that is it. I might get a little tipsy now and then, but I can wake up early the next day and still get up and do things and live life. Also, living on the coast just makes me feel like I am in a different world: time slows, and I feel like I have a proper weekend. Fish and chips ain't bad either...</p> <p>The most important change though is I am not surrounded by the people who had coke and ecstasy dealers on speed dial. In London, if I was at a quiet dinner party or having drink with friends at a pub, before long a man on a moped would turn up, and start dishing out grams and pills wrapped in clingfilm. With two drinks inside me, I would get involved in everything, get absolutely wasted and crawl home at 10am on Saturdays, to then sleep all day, comedowns on Sundays and feel dreadful on Monday-Thursday. The Friday would come and I would do it all again, withthe same friends, in the same clubs, in the same way.</p> <p>So not only was it important to get out of the city but I also had a to say goodbye to the people with speed dial dealers. I worked with some of them, so I also had to change my job, based in East London. So I changed job as well, getting the people out of my life who contributed to this mess. I now have a great job, without those kind of people around me, and have gone from strength to strength since. I am driven, ambitious and have been given more responsibility. Although it is in London, it is on the fringe, and there are no pubs nearby, which is a blessing and means I just go straight home.</p> <p>Changing my environment, my friends, my job has really paid off. And whilst I am going out the odd night, it is all under control. I have complete choice and accept that, even though I was in those environments, I am responsible for myself, no one else is. I accept that responsibility and deal with it accordingly.</p> <p>So whilst I have made all of these changes, the main change has really been within myself- I think I have grown up. I certainly have my life back, and whilst I am grateful for the crazy experiences, I now know that the drinks do not work. For a couple of hours of gettgin high, you have to write 5-15 days off. That is some deficit.</p> <p>So here is to a truly exciting New Year- I really see it as my year. To that end, I have decided to stop drinking for 11 full months for charity, withthe target of reaching £2,500 by the end of December 2008.</p> <p>Onwards and upwards!</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/12/15/myself_under_control~3447007/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>getting-life-backalcoholcharitysaturdaymaturitysobrietygrowing-uplivingweirddrugslifehttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/12/15/myself_under_control~3447007/#commentshttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/12/08/back_in_the_room~3414544/tag:mindjouney.blog.co.uk,2007-12-08:/2007/12/08/back_in_the_room~3414544/Sat, 08 Dec 2007 19:05:44 +0100 <p>I haven't been on here for ages- alot has happened in five months!</p> <p>I have moved down to Hastings with the boyfriend, got a house together and we have only just got around to unpacking the final boxes.</p> <p>Hastings is a welcome antidote from the tempations of London- I haven't had any drugs at all since I moved down here, which is great and I have remained on the straight and narrow. I do drink occassionally, but normally reserved for Friday night only, and because things close so early I get home ahead of time which is great. The next big step for me is to get back exercising, as this has fallen off the radar.</p> <p>Work has become all-consuming and has recently taken a turn for the worse. Within a month of joining my boss left, which was a great shame because she was the main reason for joining in the first place. Now I have to deal with the Director directly, and he is a loose cannon, without any real vision for the department. On Wednesday a close working colleague [and peer] resigned, meaning that I am now right in the firing line when she leaves. It has unsettled me quite a bit.</p> <p>This is largely down to the fact that the Director creates problems and avoids engaging in the political battles that are necessary at his level to ensure progress and protect the interest of the team. On the problem side, he is pretty lazy, sometimes sauntering in at 10.30 after a 'breakfast meeting' and then leaving at 5.30. Not much work gets done- in fact his absence means he has been disengaged from being asked to contribute to very important internal meetings.</p> <p>Secondly, he seems intent on becoming famous, and has invested alot of his time on the conference circuit. This is problematic for two reasons- first, he is not focused on the job. Secondly, from the feedback I have heard, he was quite shoddy at them: he presented at the conferences as if he hadn't rehearsed the presentation at all. There was also a time when he presented to the CEO without rehearsing and it royally fucked up, embarrassing the team indirectly as ultimately he is a reflection on us. After that particular time, he was in a really bad mood after that and took it out on the team.</p> <p>He is also out of touch with the day-to-day operations and is weak internally- he would rather not ruffle any feathers than get the job done. It means I end up having to argue with very senior people, as we try and leave it with him and nothing gets done. In my opinion, he is a poor leader.</p> <p>This is the third job in a row where the person who hired me has left within two months of hiring me and leaving me with a boss I do not respect. I will keep working hard, but I will also need to keep my options open because I won't be picking up his pieces for much longer.</p> <p>Grr.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/12/08/back_in_the_room~3414544/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>frustrationrambleworksaturdayhttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/12/08/back_in_the_room~3414544/#commentshttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/08/06/umbrella_parody~2762470/tag:mindjouney.blog.co.uk,2007-08-06:/2007/08/06/umbrella_parody~2762470/Mon, 06 Aug 2007 09:42:39 +0200 <p>This made my toes curl up in my shoes, he is so out of tune and he doesn't know the words- why would anyone release this?!</p> <p><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WwD2bTYaAvk&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Eperezhilton%2Ecom%2F">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WwD2bTYaAvk&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Eperezhilton%2Ecom%2F</a></p> <p>Enjoy!! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/08/06/umbrella_parody~2762470/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifeumbrellarihannamondayfunnyentertainmentyoutubehttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/08/06/umbrella_parody~2762470/#commentshttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/08/06/ill_on_a_monday~2762453/tag:mindjouney.blog.co.uk,2007-08-06:/2007/08/06/ill_on_a_monday~2762453/Mon, 06 Aug 2007 09:37:29 +0200 <p>Well, a month of eating poorly and very late nights at the office have finally caught up with me as I have a heavy cold, annoying dry cough and a temperature to boot. This is not a great start to the week.</p> <p>Even though I have been sober again for a long time [this is the start of my second week], I think the illness has been giving me lucid dreams- some about work, some surreal. For example, I was pretty convinced that a cat was sitting on top of me on the bed this morning. It was so real as well- it is funny how the mind works.</p> <p>Anyway, all of this could have been avoided if I had taken better care of myself, but constant skipping of breakfast, followed by a hurried lunch and then a late, measly dinner does not promote good health. I have also skipped exercise, so that I can get to work an hour earlier and try and fit some emails and other stuff into the hectic day. </p> <p>But it has got me thinking about the fact that I really don't like to talk about myself. It always takes me ages to sit down and write about what I am feeling as I am not really used to it - it feels like a strange experience, and I am constantly trying to distract myself fro doing it.</p> <p>For example, a second ago I decided that I needed to get dressed before I wrote it, then that I needed a cup of tea- but there is no milk, so I would have to walk to get some, and then by the time I come back I will have forgotten about writing this.</p> <p>I find I am doing that quite alot recently by distracting myself and trying to avoid some key issues. For example, at work I am constantly moving about, getting water and making small talk so that I don't have to get on with the massive task that needs to be delivered tomorrow. I always hit deadlines, but it tends to be carried over into my personal time.</p> <p>The main reason for this is because there is so much noise at the office- people always bustling around, people just asking if I have five minutes [which turn into twenty]. I find it hard to concentrate and things that would normally take me 40 minutes to complete end-to-end take up half a day because of distractions and small requests.</p> <p>So, what am I going to do about it? I will say no to the 'five minutes', but also I will block out the surrounding noise by either working on my laptop and away from the desk area, or wear an ipod with some soothing music to get away from it all.</p> <p>In the meantime I am going to concentrate on getting better and actually getting some work done- 70 hour weeks are a bad thing and you pay for it through illness.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/08/06/ill_on_a_monday~2762453/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>illstressdistractionsmondayworkhttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/08/06/ill_on_a_monday~2762453/#commentshttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/08/02/my_stats~2746714/tag:mindjouney.blog.co.uk,2007-08-02:/2007/08/02/my_stats~2746714/Thu, 02 Aug 2007 23:09:06 +0200 <p>i got over 4,000 page views last month - what does that mean?</p> <p>Can anyone advise?! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/08/02/my_stats~2746714/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>page-viewstagginghttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/08/02/my_stats~2746714/#commentshttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/08/02/what_a_week~2746709/tag:mindjouney.blog.co.uk,2007-08-02:/2007/08/02/what_a_week~2746709/Thu, 02 Aug 2007 23:07:46 +0200 <p>Wow, this week has been utterly nuts.</p> <p>So nuts, in fact, that I have only had time to work- waking up a 6am, working til 9pm and then getting home at 10pm. It is not much of a life- but then to put those kind of hours in one really has to love what they do, and for now I do.</p> <p>The downside of course is that I have no time read the news, and to become incredibly annoyed at pointless celebrity, waste of public resource and general injustice, and worse still I haven't had any time to write about it on here, which is now a key part of keeping me sane and away from all of the stuff that fucks me up.</p> <p>That said, sifting through tonight, I found a really cool article that lifted my spirits. It involved a 94 year old lady, who had just received her Master's degree-</p> <p><a href="http://uk.reuters.com/article/wtMostRead/idUKSYD3300820070802?&src=080207_1252_DOUBLEFEATURE_snapshot">http://uk.reuters.com/article/wtMostRead/idUKSYD3300820070802?&src=080207_1252_DOUBLEFEATURE_snapshot</a></p> <p>I think that is an astonishing feat, and I am so proud for her. That certainly gives me something to aim for! But on a serious note, it shows that, physicality aside, that life stages and age are a state of mind to a degree. And the limits we face in life are not imposed on us by life, but by ourselves, usually through fear or bad experiences or assumption [like if you are old, then you naturally find it difficult to learn]. </p> <p>So, good on you girl- you are my new role model</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/08/02/what_a_week~2746709/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>learningrole-modelnewsmastersreutersold-ageentertainmenthttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/08/02/what_a_week~2746709/#commentshttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/07/28/funny~2715394/tag:mindjouney.blog.co.uk,2007-07-28:/2007/07/28/funny~2715394/Sat, 28 Jul 2007 10:34:11 +0200 <p><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/738623/funy/">http://www.metacafe.com/watch/738623/funy/</a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/07/28/funny~2715394/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>entertainmentmoviesfunny-videohttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/07/28/funny~2715394/#commentshttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/07/28/harry_potter_the_ultimate~2715377/tag:mindjouney.blog.co.uk,2007-07-28:/2007/07/28/harry_potter_the_ultimate~2715377/Sat, 28 Jul 2007 10:31:38 +0200 <p>I wish i had thought of this-</p> <p><a href="http://www.break.com/index/harry-potter-spoiled.html">http://www.break.com/index/harry-potter-spoiled.html</a></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/07/28/harry_potter_the_ultimate~2715377/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>endingvideofunnyharry-potterhttp://mindjouney.blog.co.uk/2007/07/28/harry_potter_the_ultimate~2715377/#comments